Photographer:@tigrankapinos

thanks for being here :)

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What's up! If your taking time to read about me, just know that I'm grateful your here, but I want you to know this mission is not really about me. This journey is about taking some of my most challenging and painful life experiences and using it as fuel to show myself & those who align with my message what is possible within us all.

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I was hospitalized for three months at 16 years old for bipolar and affected by a medication lawsuit unknowingly for over a decade. The process of finding my own alternative path to recovery afterwards was a lot lonelier than it had to be. A lot of opinions, a lot of assumptions, and only a few people in my life asked me enough questions to understand what i was going through before telling me what I should do. Those were the people that trusted my right to make decisions for myself, and that no matter what internal issue I had, I was the subject matter expert of my own life. I appreciated how they connected with me, and they showed me what support could look like, so I wanted to show others what they did, and what others did that often unintentionally made my life harder. Many people don't know how to listen or connect, not only to others, but themselves. I'm here to help with that.

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If you we wondering how my journey went going off of medication and finding my own path to recovery a few years ago, honestly, way better than anyone expected, even me. But it didn't exactly start out that way. I actually didn't know if I could pull it off either, I had never seen anyone successfully do this, but I had also never seen anyone live a full high quality of life in the way I saw for myself while on medication. I would learn quickly that, just like anything else I've had in my life that was truly aligned for my greater good, if I knew what I wanted and just took the first step and kept walking, the how would reveal itself over time and I could have anything I wanted (as long as it didn't hurt others.)

I was 275 lbs in January of 2023 (side effects from medication and poor choices) when I began to transition off of the medication I was on. I realized I couldn't just go off of medication, otherwise I would end up right back at Sheppard Pratt (a mental health hospital in Baltimore County) like I did at 16 when I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychosis.

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So, I decided I was going to go to the gym with my friend Zach who had been offering to take me to the gym for the last 7 years. He was ripped and had the mindset I needed. Consistency. No rest days, just rotate muscle groups. Discipline. The gym, he said, "was like brushing my teeth, no longer a choice." Every day i was there around 5:30 AM. Workout. It sucked. He started slow after his vacations, but even that sucked. I was so out of shape. I was also going through mood swings, withdraws from the medication, and a breakup with my now ex gf (we had been together for two years at this point.) But after three months, i was sad, but i wasn't in the hospital. And I began looking forward to the sauna at the LA Fitness right after the workout. I had cut my fast food back to once a week and only a couple restaurants. Scaled back from any day any time, taco bell drive through was my go to late night snack... Funny story about that in my talk here (10:35 mark.)

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From there, I added grounding, daily journaling, David Goggins mindset (something uncomfortable daily to go beyond what I first thought was possible,) and eventually realized my sensitivity to energy (dead flesh and processed foods made me sad and anxious) and went vegan eating mostly fruit. In 6 months i had lost 50 lbs and in 18 i had lost 90 and was doing pull ups, and guess what, I still wasn't in the hospital. And not only that, I was stable.

I was healing. I was living. It was hard but it had to be. Hard work, discipline and consistency was required to harness the intensity of bipolar. That, along with neuroscience, preventative medicine and consistent lifestyle choices that were hard but impossible to live without. Not peacefully at least. My why was larger than the feelings i had early on of not sticking with it. The life I knew was on the line. And now, almost four years later, an even better one unfolded. I got my own apartment with my girlfriend back in March. We welcomed our daughter in August. I repaired relationships that were meant to be repaired, i let go of ones that were no longer aligned, and while i'm continuing to reassure my nervous system that the peace is here to stay, I celebrate the little moments I have now that I never had when I was surviving and not taking care of myself. The silence is warm. Gentle. Soothing. 

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It's not about medication or no medication. I needed medication for a long time to remain stable. My journey is much bigger than that. I was being asked whether or not i was doing everything that i possibly could to do what was good for me in order to live a fulfilling life. A few years ago, the answer was no. It was that way for over a decade. But now, the answer is yes. And my wildest dreams weren't meant to come true when i wasn't the version of me that was ready to receive what i was asking for without it withering away or at a cost of something else. This is why my Grammy is coming in 2028 as opposed to 2022. I had to flow, not force. And it's almost time for everything i always dreamed of. I don't need to convince anyone anymore, that was a wound. I just keep walking and we all will watch it unfold, for all the right reasons. I'm here to use my influence for all the right reasons, and outreach my hand while shining my light along the way. I'm here to create a kinder world without limits on what others are capable of. Let's just figure it out along the way. Together. ​